Big news today, another agency merger. And with it comes another batch of predictable, boilerplate benefits (not really) to clients.
“You’ll get access to more resources.” (Where were those resources before? I thought during the pitch you said…)
“You’ll get the best and the brightest.” (So you had another agency in your network where you kept the smart people?)
“Now that we’re bigger we’ll be able to attract better talent.” (So you’re saying I should have gone with a bigger agency when I hired you, right?)
“They’re young and digital! You should see the tattoo sleeves and those ear things...I can't remember what they're called.” (Oh, like that chick that mocked me for still using Facebook?)
“The new agency will be called ‘TOPFLOOR>YourAgency’, with a forward sign instead of a slash. Cool, right?” (Um, that’s a greater-than sign.)
“The complimentary cultures create synergy.” (Come again?)
“And they surf!” (My mother surfs.)
How about the truth, like...
“Dear client and business community, we merged these agencies because we can lay a bunch of people off, close some offices, get bigger bonuses and possibly boost earnings per share so our stock options will be worth something.”
“Bob, who heads up the TOPFLOOR agency has been trying to get YourAgency merged into his agency for awhile. He hasn’t won new business or grown his current accounts, so he wants YourAgency’s accounts. Why not? He asked and I’ll save money.”
“The woman who heads YourAgency just isn’t an effective corporate conniver, like the guy from TopFloor agency. He made a lot of presentations to me. He showed me how giving him control of TopFloor agency would get me a bigger bonus. I like that kind of thinking!”
“Your guy put long-term ‘great work’ ahead of this quarter's earnings, and I have go grow the stock price now, or it’s my head.”
“Look, I made a bad acquisition. The sooner I merge it the sooner the board will forget about it.”
“These agencies don't have any conflicts, so we should be able to cut costs without losing any business - and we're hoping we don't lose your business. Since our fixed costs will shrink, we’re passing most of that along to our clients by cutting the overhead part of our mark-up. Or, perhaps we can provide you more services at the same rate? How can we make this work better for you?”
I'll take the last one.